can very much relate to your sentiments in this post. so many of those thoughts went through my head in my time travelling sola!

as you move through the different spaces and observe the shifting dynamics i’ll share my 2 cents. peru’s tourist traps, esp cusco were probably the least favourite of my journey. keep headin south! beeline for bolivia…

All good thoughts about my current condition. You’re right, it’s not just long-term travelitus, which I’ve been reading on other blogs is quite common and natural. It’s also almost-mid-life-thinking-what-do-I-do-now-itus.
I’m not sure that the journey is done.. I don’t actually feel like I’ve learned a lot about myself. But it could be that it’s all been happening subconsciously and will reveal itself when the time is right.
I love your cork analogy. That’s exactly what’s been happening, and why I’ve been craving community. [Another reason I've been spending so much time online, since there's community there.] This is why I loved touring so much – we traveled just enough (usually about 2-3 weeks at a stretch, then home for the same period of time) to quench my wanderlust, learn new things, meet new people – but was always able to maintain a relationship and friends and roots back home. With this trip I necessarily had to sever those roots (at least physically, which impacts the emotional ties too).

I think you’re onto something with this deep sea conspiracy theory. Isn’t it strange that we have no idea what’s down there. On our own planet. Must be a deep-seated biological fear of deep water (I certainly have it) that keeps us from venturing there. Or the Government knows perfectly well what’s going on down there and it’s all been covered up.

Haven’t read the blog in awhile, sorry I didn’t know you were a bit angst-y. You just have -itus, in this case a strong case of trip-itis, with a secondary infection of 30s Soul Examination-itis, a paralyzing combination. Perfectly normal and reasonable. Sensible even. It doesn’t mean whatever you’re feeling isn’t also reasonable and right, it’s just it sounds like you’re ignoring the actual physical/neuronal part of it, too much stimulation and processing, you’re overclocking your chip. And while you can get away with overclocking for awhile, urgent gaming needs, etc, in the long run it’s not good for your memory modules, your heat sink gets overloaded, and the whole system starts to slip. More BSODs, odd reboots, accumulation of glitches, more need to focus on core functions and dump your peripherals, the usual. But most of it’s just physical. You’d be able to think all the other things through if your cache wasn’t full. You have a a buffer overflow, your server is under DoS attack and you’re doing a pro job keeping your site up and running at all, I’d say. But like in stage and event management, when one is in pro mode one just copes with what comes next because the show must go on. But that’s not a good time for thoughtfulness and future planning, it’s just survive and get ‘er done.

So these are some thoughts I had:

You started to travel to see things and learn stuff and learn about yourself. You’ve done all those things, maybe you’re done? It’s not a failure of a journey or quest to achieve the grail–more knowledge–it’s the actual accomplishment of the journey/quest.

Corks float well and get around and see a lot and have adventures but they’re not a part of the ocean, or for the land dwelling, they don’t have roots, aren’t part of a biology and ecosystem, organically or philosophically or geographically. There are cool colony creatures who float around like that and take their friends with them, but difficult with humans, though not impossible. Think of those floating arks and world traveling ships, your community, perhaps goes with you.

But maybe you’ve learned as a result of the quest what your grail is, or begun to fine down your focus anyway. Reading the above I thought No, Dweebis, you’ve just listed what you’ve LEARNED

Among which:
Maybe you don’t like to be on the move all the time, it leaves you feeling distant and transient and somehow unable to be involved with those around you because you and they know travelers move on.

Traveling is mentally and emotionally exhausting and constant traveling accumulates unless you get off on that feeling and you’re thinking that as a long term deal, perhaps you might not like to.

That you might like a sense of community and roots and place and meaning in what you do. Of some sort. Though it could be quite a variety of things that could lead to that and there’s always a reluctance to decide if we don’t have to decide, so we float and look another day.

It’s exhausting to live in a foreign language.

Biologically, your learning cache is like a lung sucking in oxygen, it’s a cycle–you suck stuff up and it fills you and then you process it and use it and there’s a curve and then you get to toss out the parts you didn’t need and suck again, but it’s an insy-outsy thing or your lungs explode. I think back to when I was first learning computers and the joyous absorbing sponge feeling of stimulation and synapse building and storage happiness etc, and then, over and over, and I’m sure you’ve been there too in many ways, as we all are when we learn heavy duty stuff, my brain would shut down. I’d had enough. Too much. Something about the brain needs to digest and process new learning, it has a way of handling the sequence and we’re all stuck with, it’s the way our biology works. We dream differently, we sleep differently, our brains are deluged. Political campaigns. New fields of knowledge. Playing Myst. Traveling.

Important not to mistake the travel for the journey she said in her Buddha mode. It’s not like one of those manic single handed round the world sailboat races, that I love, where the goal is to do geography and distance or a set destination, the goal is to complete the journey.

Maybe stay in one spot for 6 months and veg out and do something useful if you can find it if being there seems right.

Maybe going to New Orleans and helping there would be a good idea. Funky, terrible problem with loss and preservation of local culture including the arts, music, dance, art art, could use some tech help, rebuilding, being a vote for the good guys, lots of cool stuff going on there these days.

Where would you like to be? If you look out the window, where am you? I don’t see warm places, I hate humid heat, or long term any heat, more than I hate even gray. So that narrows what I see. You got any such perferences you’ve learned about yourself? You seem to say you’re looking for a richness of both breadth and depth, and that right now while you’re getting a certain kind of breadth, it’s a non-interactive breadth that suffers from lack of depth? I may have completely misread what I think I read above, but seemed to me if you collect the ‘This is what I think I think’ things you’re sort of beginning to think you’ve learned, you end up with what I’ve bounced off in the lengthy response. I’m on the couch watching the science channel on cable and in my jammies and wearing a hat because it’s a little chilly and I have another cold and I’m mushing around the house in two pairs of socks because I already packed my slippers and I have used kleenex all around me, so you should feel yourself in familiar territory, a weakness in the family genome. Every time I see a child under 6 I get a cold and I see children under 6 every week and therefore I have had a cold or the flu every single day since Spring of 1979.

I’m making progress on my Conspiracy Theory; did you ever stop to think that there have been more successful missions to Mars than there have been to the bottom of our oceans? I hadn’t, but now I am. There are no doubt all sorts of things going on down there of a Jules Verne and The Neanderthals nature that we know nothing about. The Oil Companies could be involved in covering this up but I haven’t decided, or been able to determine, that yet. But it’s a possibility. I picture a sort of brute force technology enabling cities in the Marianas Trench, lots of bolts and Iron and steam technology. With an Island of Dr. Moreau thing perhaps, a sexual overtone that’s been valuable to the UFOers, cross-breeding, perhaps with the goal or acheivement of Aquamen and Aquawomen and Aquakids from Neanderthal-Cetan recombinant biology. I dare them to prove me wrong… going to sleep last night I thought of lots of stoppers for my critics, like Carl Sagan, he’d still be a critic but he’d say let’s go seeeeee….!, and later remembered at least half of them One of their major connections to the surface world is on the island of Gibralter, the last holdout of the Neanderthals from the predatory breeding nature of the Cro Mags, before they finally disappeared from the SURFACE of the Earth…

Ahhchooo.

Your aunt,

Marty Descartes

I think your plan to volunteer is a very good one. I’m looking at that more seriously now for all of the above reasons. It’s just the best way to access the local community and have them see you as a human being with dimensions rather than as ‘moneybags’. And it’s probably the best way to learn Spanish. Umm, so what have you been waiting for, Josh?! Partly it’s that I’m picky, lol. I don’t particularly want to work in the fields or pay a lot of money to milk cows all day with 19-year-olds. So I’ll have to find a program that suits my interests and skill levels appropriately.

My connection with the family in Otavalo was through the school I studied with, but I think they are relatively easy to find although the situation might be seen differently: enthusiastic student vs. rentee.

But I’m getting ahead of myself – I spent 6 weeks earlier this year in Colombia, started in Bogota and ended up in Cartagena at the end (with many stops in between).
Towards the end of my trip, I was getting pissed at the non-stop hassles and hustles by peddlers on the beach at Bocagrande where I was staying.
I plan to travel to Quito early in the new year, after the Olympics, and spend 2 months in Ecuador. This time, I will be volunteering for a couple of weeks mid trip – this might help me overcome the listlessness I could feel creep in…
I am also evaluating the possibility of living somewhere in SA on a permanent basis.
After my last trip to Colombia, however, I was relieved to get home – so much we take for granted, isn’t there?
Buena suerte

I appreciate your comment about the 5-year old. Some days it’s the children that get me through. While their parents are giving you that judgmental up-and-down look, the kids greet you with an unbridled enthusiastic smile that asks for nothing and just sets the world right.

Going to check out your site now..

I guess happiness/fulfillment really doesn’t depend on physically where we are or what we’re doing. Externally viewed, many people would envy our lives: “Creating art in Paris? Backpacking around Peru? Let’s trade!” But it’s our internal state that matters. What’s that Zen koan that Cage used to quote? “Before becoming enlightened, I was a woodcutter. After becoming enlightened, I am still a woodcutter.”

I went for a run again today (exercise really does help the mind) and Cat Stevens’ song “Don’t Be Shy” came on. Surely one of the greatest songs from one of the greatest films (Harold and Maude). Which reminded me of another Landmark lesson – that we’re all walking around afraid of (looking bad in front of) each other. The sooner we get this the sooner we gain the freedom to act unselfconsciously and become more fully self-expressed.

In my case, I’m committing to a month at a time in a town before moving on—IF I want to move on. Partly to be consistent with my spanish lessons, partly to give myself time to feel connected. In fact, I’m leaving Otavalo today for Cuenca and feel pretty sad because there are a few people I’ll miss dearly (one darling little five year old has totally won my heart.) Of course that’s a bit of a problem, too.

Anyway, good luck pushing through the funk and stick it out. You’ll be pissed if you go back before you’ve felt like you’ve conqured whatever it is you need. I promise you’ll be dying to get back on the road again. (And thanks for some of your posts, they actually help me a bit with my particular funks..)

allencraig

Thanks for re-linking to this article, Yosh…I read it when I met you in San Pedro, and have passed it along since. These lines remind me most of my time there, before the dry season:

“You will quit minding the rain. You will sleep deeper than you ever did in that comfortable home you barely recall. You will dream in three dimensions, in THX sound and surreal colors. You will awaken at all hours of the night, excited by the need to wander further through unfamiliar streets.”

Beautiful, and so true.

Thanks for the inspiration, and keep living the dream, however it evolves for you. We look forward to reading the next chapter! xxx

I went for a run today to try to clear my head and cheer up, and it started absolutely pouring. I felt like Charlie Brown and just had to start laughing. And then it dawned on me that without the bad times we wouldn’t have good times. ["Breakdowns lead to breakthroughs," in Landmark language.] And then I remembered that great column by DJ Riz, and all the terrible things he says we’ll go through on our way to becoming a world citizen. And that made me happy.

It sounds like hard times, but surely all evidence that you are growing. Will look forward to the next post.

Hugs and love from Denver!